I often feel extremely overwhelmed. To the point of not being able to breathe.
I do a great job of "keeping it all together" so that others think I'm amazing.
I've been going through quite a bit lately.
And it's all mental and emotional things.
You see, I smoked for a while. A lot. A couple packs a week.
I'm happy to say I quit. Cold turkey. Because of my kids.
It was one of the harder things in my life to do.
I've gained a decent amount of weight from quitting.
Especially lately because I find myself thinking of just one more puff so I eat to distract.
I'm trying to eat healthy. To be a healthy example for my babies.
Especially since my "new diet", I don't know what it is.
Honestly.
It's like this constant thought brewing on the back burner.
What would just one more puff be like?
Would it suffice? Would I regret it?
Well...
It would be awful, and I know that it would be!
I'm not planning on doing it. I've gotten over it.
If you've ever been "addicted" to something, my heart goes out to you.
It really really does.
Addiction is a struggle.
It makes me feel powerless and out of control.
For the past couple of weeks it seems like EVERY:
- commercial
- advertisement
- person I see
is smoking. It's rough. No lie.
I was worried about my children finding out.
But I want them to learn from my past.
To learn how doing things that I shouldn't have done made me unhappy.
I've contemplated on letting them know.
However, it would kill me if they found out about my past from anyone else.
Although they are too young to hear about things now, I know the time will come.
My heart hurts for things I've done.
I've got more than a few regrets.
Why is life so hard? Why can't it be as easy as a sitcom?
Why can't I solve problems in 30 minutes?
Why can't life be a movie?
Why can't my man read my mind and apologize like the prince on TV?
Sorry for this "heavy load" of a blog.
However, this IS Realities Of A Stay At Home Mom...
Maybe I'll make you laugh next week.
But this week...
This is my reality.
Sometimes reality stinks, but it's better than living in denial about who you are. You'll be all the better for sharing this. Tapping into that stuff down deep is what helps us be and stay REAL and TRUE to ourselves. Love you. You can do this.
ReplyDeletei wanna hug you...i wanna cheer for you...mostly i wanna share my confidence in you. i could write a whole post about the hard things you've done and overcome in your life...make this one of them. i'm proud to call you my friend!
ReplyDeleteYou are so much stronger than you think Jazz! Good for you for doing the right thing for you AND your babies. You will be blessed. Doesn't mean it isn't hard. But you can do hard things! You have before and you will conquer this! Love to you!
ReplyDeleteIf only you three knew how much I love you!
ReplyDeleteJazz, stick to the gospel. It will give you the strength to overcome your weaknesses, to forgive yourself, and to have the confidence to know what is best in teaching and guiding your children. Pray hard!
ReplyDeleteI love you girl. I really do! And I wish you lived closer to me so we could really become great friends. Are you planning on coming out to Utah anytime soon??! DO IT! I love to hear your heart, and each time I do I grow a greater love for you. Weird how we became "friends" in the first place, but it's true.. Everyone comes into your life for a reason, and you are most definately a positive influence on my life. I LOVE YOU!
ReplyDeleteAudrey, Mahina...you two are too sweet!! I love the both of you!! TONS!
ReplyDeleteJazz my addictions ..can't share . However on yours. I went to Alon treatment to stop trying to fix men, people. They say smoking is hard to over come then heroine. So rejoice you are a strong mother sister, woman. Your smile is contatious I love you!! rule one don't be hard on you! colita
ReplyDeleteI love you Jazzy! I agree, you DO do a great job of "keeping it all together". Love you! Thanks for having such beautiful children!
ReplyDeleteOh I'm sorry!... I just saw an essential oil that is for addictions..espcially smoking... check out Doterra Essitial Oils.
ReplyDeleteI forgot to say... thanks for sharing! I love people who can be real.
ReplyDelete