1. if i am really uber mega tired, either my offspring will rise earlier than usual or i will have a previous commitment that requires my premature rolling out of bed.
2. if i am well-rested and energetically greeting the morning, my sleep-aversion children will defy the odds and snooze well past breakfast. mean.
3. spills ONLY occur within 8 hours of mopping. once 12 hours have elapsed, we are out of the woods and all drinks will stay in their designated cups, all spaghetti will remain on plates, and the toddler will reverse typical behavior and not throw a single piece of food on the floor.
4. clean mirrors scream--at my house i think they even have a german accent, just for good measure--to be painted in soap, hair spray, toothpaste...or a delightful concoction of all three.
5. somehow, no one ever did anything...no one stuffed 8 granola bar wrappers in the couch cushions, no one colored on the wall with chapstick, no one left the toilet unflushed, no one opened (and ate) the bag of chocolate chips. no one is very busy.
6. cute hair days and flawless skin days will always and only occur when the only thing on the day's agenda is email, oprah, and sweeping out the garage.
7. funky hair and breakouts will always and only occur when you have a special occasion to attend...ie, a high school reunion, husband's office party, that cousin dinner with the cousin's wife who's always a little snooty, the kids' christmas program at school. stuff like that.
8. doing the laundry late at night to be sure those black pants are ready first thing in the morning will only mean one thing...the black pants didn't make the load.
9. the gift i am most excited about giving my child...you know the one, the one i spent a lot of time finding and a lot of money on...will produce an indifferent "thanks, mom" and live the rest of it's toy life at the bottom of a bucket in the toy room. however, the lame dragon from the happy meal will be cherished, cried over, and protected with all manner of martial arts.
10. if i am writing a blog post...and i leave the computer long enough to pop an eggo in the toaster (don't judge me, at least they're whole wheat!)..."no one" will turn off the computer and lose all the creativity i just poured out on that keyboard.
i really can't wait for the day when i create a universe...and inflict hilarious laws on the unsuspecting mothers just trying to survive.
1. you're amazing.
ReplyDelete2. my mirrors scream in more of a broken english tongan accent.
3. one of my favorite blogs ever!
4. i love you.
I agree with Jaz on number 3. (and #4) Still not a SAHM, but I have watched nieces and nephews for extended periods of time to know that you speak the hard, painful truth. And it has me rolling on the floor with laughter.
ReplyDeleteSo "freaking" funny!
ReplyDeleteAmy, it might be the hour, but I'm seriouly LOL!!!! I'm muffling it so I don't wake anyone... I hope you're sleeping right now and enjoying yourself and Lissa... and that all these emails MAKE YOUR DAY!
ReplyDeletethank you for this post!! #6 literally had me laugh out loud! Because most days I feel like a look like a shabby homeless person which is extra embarrassing on days when I drop off my son at daycare (part-time) and you are right, on the only day that I'm feeling nice and pretty... there's nothing to do, and no where to go! :(
ReplyDeleteAlthough my son is only 2 now and therefore I haven't experienced all the "lovely" laws of nature you've described... I know they are coming, without a doubt!